


Three Times Laris & Zhaban Got Caught Setting Booby Traps and the One Time They Didn’t

by jackandsamforever



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Picard
Genre: Booby Traps, F/M, Suspicious Picard is very suspicious, and assassin things, assassin husband and wife doing naughty things
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-06
Updated: 2020-04-26
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:53:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23035057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jackandsamforever/pseuds/jackandsamforever
Summary: Laris and Zhaban are trying to add unwanted (by the Admiral) security measures to Château Picard, and keep finding themselves interrupted.
Relationships: Laris/Zhaban (Star Trek)
Comments: 30
Kudos: 49





	1. Attempt #1

**Author's Note:**

> These series of ficlets are meant to be somewhat humorous and light-hearted. I love these two characters, so I hope I do them justice. Thanks for reading!

“Laris, I really don’t thi-“

“Shhh, someone will hear you. Just stop talking and follow me.”

Zhaban sighed quietly and hefted his bag higher up on his shoulder. This was a bad idea. Bad. Bad.

He was currently following his wife, who was merely a shadowy figure in the moonlight, to the edge of the property to set some extra “security measures”. 

Humans called them booby traps, and Picard had explicitly stated that he didn’t want them doing this.

Why did he have to fall in love with a rule breaker?

No one else had ever been important enough to him to break rules. Now he was no longer Tal Shiar, and he married a Tal Shiar agent illegally, and currently they were going against the Admiral’s wishes.

The things he would do for this woman was an embarrassingly long list.

His brooding was interrupted by Laris’ hand on his chest. “Here. This is perfect. There’s not a chance a worker will come out this far, and an intruder will never see it coming.”

He nodded without a word and watched her stake out where exactly to place the trip wire. As she disappeared in the darkness, he set his bag down and opened it up to start taking out their supplies.

Wire. Check.

Explosive material. Check.

Nagging guilt in the back of his mind. Check.

He tracked her quiet footsteps back towards him and looked up as she approached.

She rubbed her gloved hands together almost gleefully. This had always been her wheelhouse. She was smart, and had easily been one of the best agents that the Tal Shiar had; it was giving him a tiny bit of nostalgia seeing her in her element again.

He handed her the wire and watched her walk away for the second time. She had always been better at setting these, and he’d rather it be done correctly the first time.

He would stay back and keep watch while she worked.

A few minutes of silence passed…the only noises were that of the vineyard and the faint sounds of his wife securing the first side of the trip wire to the tree.

When suddenly he heard a bark very close by.

Number One was out.

And that usually meant Picard was out too.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

He quickly grabbed the remaining supplies and stuffed them back in his bag, then hurriedly (and very quietly) made his way over to Laris.

He skidded to a stop near his wife, nearly out of breath (he really needed to start working out more). 

She looked up at him from her kneeling position on the ground and cocked an eyebrow. “What are you doing?”, she whispered.

He tried to control his breathing, but knew he was being much too loud.

“Dog.”

“Picard.”

“Shit”, she murmured and quickly took the proffered bag from him to stuff everything back inside.

As soon as she finished, she hid it in a shallow hole at the base of the tree, then grabbed Zhaban’s hand and pulled him down next to her. She leaned back against the tree and tugged on his arm to get him to follow.

Finally catching his breath, and on to what she was trying to get him to do, he scooted back against the tree himself and flung an arm around her shoulders just as Number One and the Admiral broke through a grove of trees; still a good 50 feet from where they sat. 

They hadn’t been spotted yet.

Laris grabbed his face and began to kiss him, roughly at first, but then softly as he began to respond. He loved kissing her, and didn’t get to do it nearly as often as he liked..so he was going to enjoy it while he could.

She broke away from his lips and started to pepper his face with little kisses, whispering against his ear, “Act surprised.”

Zhaban moved his arm from around her shoulders and unceremoniously pulled her onto his lap to straddle him. She let out a very un-Laris like squeak, but without missing a beat, started kissing him again…making a point to grind her hips seductively into his groin in the process. A little payback, he was sure.

He was doing his best to concentrate on the duo behind them, but was having a very hard time. Quite literally.

Suddenly Number One started to bark excitedly, and in five seconds flat, was jumping all over them, trying to lick their faces and anywhere else he could reach. 

“Laris? Zhaban? What are you two doing out here in the middle of the night?”

Picard stood about ten feet away, looking at them suspiciously; thankfully it was dark enough that he couldn’t see their bag hidden at the base of the tree. 

Or how aroused he was.

Zhaban pushed the dog away and helped his wife stand, then pulled himself up and brushed his clothes off, adjusting himself while he listened for Laris’ explanation.

He was going to let her handle this one. She had always been a better liar than him.

Laris smiled, “We could say the same for you, Admiral. Fancy a midnight stroll?”

It was decidedly later than midnight, but no one corrected her. 

He raised an eyebrow and shrugged, “When I have nightmares and can’t fall back asleep, I take Number One out and just walk the property. Better than tossing and turning in bed.”

Zhaban nodded to show agreement and nudged Laris in the ass with his thigh to get her to answer. She scowled at their boss, “Do you know how dangerous that is? You could be killed! Or kidnapped! Or worse!”

Zhaban could see Picard roll his eyes in the moonlight. “I could say the same about you two. Again I ask, why are you out here?”

He knew he was going to have to say something, so he stepped forward and wrapped an arm around his wife’s waist; squeezing her side lightly to let her know that was going to talk.

She stayed silent.

“Well you see, Sir, sometimes we like to get out of the house for some alone time. That’s all it is.”

Laris stepped on his foot to let him know what an idiot he was, but he just ran his fingers up and down her side in response. He knew what he was doing.

Probably.

He could tell Picard was a little embarrassed to have walked into that, and Zhaban scored one for himself for the convincing lie (a little guiltily, though).

He pulled his wife forward with him and smiled, “We were just about to head back anyway, care if we walk with you?”

Picard looked behind them, as if searching for something or trying to figure out if they were telling the truth. Ultimately, he decided to let it be and whistled for the dog as they headed back towards the estate. Laris and Zhaban now walking on either side of Picard.

Breaking the uncomfortable silence, Zhaban spoke first, “So Sir, what was your bad dream about this time?”

Once the Admiral began explaining his dream in great detail, Laris caught Zhaban’s eye and rolled her eyes at him. He shrugged and gave her a slight smile.

They may not have succeeded in setting their booby trap, and probably wouldn’t at that location since their boss seemingly roamed there often, but at least Zhaban got to make out with his wife.

Score another point for him.

They would come back for their bag tomorrow and seek out another place for their “added security” another time.

She reached around the still talking Admiral and lightly punched his arm. He caught her fist before she could retreat and gave it a little squeeze before letting go. She crinkled her eyes at him affectionately.

He loved his little family, including the crotchety Admiral and his dog, and wouldn’t trade this life for anything.


	2. Attempt #2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry its taken me so long to update this..I work at a grocery store and this last week has been the week from hell. Thanks for reading and stay safe out there!

A week later, Laris sat against the headboard of their bed, brainstorming about what other types of security measures they could implement on Chateau Picard. She was having a hard time coming up with something that would be unnoticed by the Admiral, while also giving her and Zhaban enough time to get Picard to safety and defend themselves.

Every idea she had was almost immediately discarded...because of being either too obvious or too deadly. She was frustrated.

She had her head in her hands and was massaging her forehead when she heard her husband come out of the bathroom where he had been taking a shower. She listened to his quiet footsteps as they retreated over to the closet, then approached her side of the bed. A hand on her hair interrupted her frustrated fingers.

“Laris, what’s wrong?”

She moved her hands from her face, displacing his own hand, and looked at him. He was dressed in only a pair of loose cotton pants, his bare chest still a little wet from his shower. She reached forward and ran a finger down his sternum, through his sparse chest hair, and down to the waistband of his pants. His only reaction was a slight quickening of his breath.

She smiled a little and looked at his face; he was looking at her with a familiar predatory glint in his eye. She tried to distract him before he could permanently distract her for the rest of the night. 

“I can’t think of anything! I’m going _irhein_! What kind of bodyguard am I if I can’t even _chameto_ the people I care about, let alone the people who depend on _arhva_?!”

Laris could tell he was trying not to smile, especially since she realized she had mixed in a few Rihan words in her rant. She tended to do that when she was stressed, and it always amused him to no end. 

At least one of them wasn’t feeling overwhelmed.

Zhaban knelt down and took both of her hands in his. 

“Laris, look at me.”

She rolled her eyes and reluctantly looked at him. He was smiling this time. “You have not gone soft. You’re a great bodyguard. You’re still the best former Tal Shiar agent I’ve ever come across..”

Laris interrupted him, “I’m the only former Tal Shiar agent that you know who’s either not dead or in prison.”

This time it was his turn to roll his eyes. “My point”, he continued, “Is that you shouldn’t sell yourself short. I wouldn’t want anyone else in the entire universe protecting me. That’s how highly I think of you.”

“You have to say that, you’re my husband.”

He sighed and leaned up to kiss her softly. When he pulled back he said quietly, “No, I don’t.”

She tried to smile, not really believing him, but appreciating the sentiment all the same. There really wasn’t anything he wouldn’t do for her; and she loved him for it.

Instead of continuing their conversation, he again leaned forward and kissed her, this time standing up and moving his body over hers, his arms on either side of her shoulders as he moved from her lips to her neck and started placing hot, open-mouthed kisses under her jaw. She tried to stay quiet as he moved his lips up to her ear, then started back towards her mouth. All she could do was hold onto his biceps as he found her mouth again, his tongue doing things that she would never get tired of.

She moved her hands down to the waistband of his pants, about to slide them down, when suddenly an idea struck her. She pushed him off without ceremony and sat up, her undershirt pushed all the way up to right below her breasts (because Zhaban had been about to remove it), and looked down at her flushed and panting husband who was looking up at her with more than a little annoyance. 

“I’ve thought of something!”

He rolled his eyes and sat up, adjusting himself as he tried to slow his breathing. “Can’t it wait?”

She pulled her shirt back down and stood up. “Of course it can’t. What if something happens while we’re in here wasting time?”

Before he could say anything else, she was out of their room, headed for the Admiral’s office. He quickly pulled on a t-shirt and followed her, now more curious than annoyed. He found her sitting at the security station with the screen up and focused on a section of the vines. She was mumbling to herself in Rihan under her breath, but he could only decipher a word here and there. 

He sat down next to her and ran a tired hand down his face. It had already been a long day, and it was looking like it wasn’t going to be ending anytime soon. He was in the middle of a yawn, when Laris grabbed his free hand to get his attention. “This is it!”, she whispered.

He squinted at the screen, trying to figure out what she was talking about. 

Laris glanced at him and sighed, pointing her own finger at the gap in the fencing between Picard’s property and the one next door.

“Laris, it’s one in the morning. Don’t make me guess.” He grabbed her hand and threaded their fingers so she would hold still.

“Zhaban, did all your brain cells go down to your…”, She glanced down for a moment, then looked at him with a raised eyebrow, continuing before he could respond, “...Look at that gap in the fence. That would be a perfect place to put a pit trap.”

He scratched his beard in thought, contemplating what she was proposing. It wasn’t a high traffic area, and it would be good to shore up this security gap. Even if he didn’t think they were _completely_ necessary. 

She was running her thumb over the top of his hand absentmindedly, and he was loath to stop her, but it really was getting late.

“When?”, he said simply.

She blinked and gave him a sly grin, “No better time than the present, Zhaban.”

He closed his eyes in resignation and nodded, then watched as she stood and practically ran out of the room. He stood up a little more slowly and followed more than a little reluctantly.

He had a feeling things weren’t going to go as planned.

XXXXX

An hour later found the two of them slinking through the dark towards the edge of the property with shovels and metal rods in their packs. He had even checked to make sure Picard and Number One were tucked safely in bed; and they were. 

They should be fine.

_Should_.

They reached the gap in the fence without incident, and began pulling out their supplies without any talking or direction from each other. They knew what they needed to do, and were good at falling back on training that they had practiced for most of their adult lives. 

Zhaban immediately started digging. This was the part that would take them the longest. After only a few shovelfuls of dirt, he heard footsteps coming in their direction from the other property next to them. They were hidden at the moment because the property next to them sloped upwards, but that cover wouldn’t last much longer.

Before he could open his mouth to warn Laris, she was already taking his shovel away and hiding their bags behind the nearest grape vines. He took that time to smooth the dirt in front of him and lean against the fence post, probably looking more like he was up to no good, than the innocent Vintner he was trying to portray.

He heard his wife come up behind him when the person whose footsteps they were tracking crested the property line. “Who’s there?”

The clouds moved away from the moon at that very moment, and it revealed a very old, weathered farmer standing there squinting in their direction. He still hadn’t spotted them, even though they were standing in the broad moonlight. In a previous life, they would have killed him and hid his body, then finished their project.

But they weren’t those people anymore.

Taking action, Zhaban quickly ducked and pulled Laris down with him. If they hadn’t been spotted, there was no need to reveal themselves to the old man.

“Hello?!”

Instead of answering, they silently moved back towards where they had come from, grabbing their belongings on the way and snaking through the grapevines back towards the house. The distant calls of the man could still be heard, but they were far enough away that he would never see them.

When they finally reached the back patio to the house, Laris started laughing uncontrollably. She clamped a hand over her mouth to muffle the noise, but couldn’t stop. He stood there with his hands laced together, waiting; everytime she managed to calm herself for a few moments, she’d start right back up. 

After she was finally quiet for a second, he spoke, “What’s so funny?”

She laughed once, then clamped her hand over her mouth again and approached him. She leaned into him  
and whispered in his ear, her lips touching one of his most sensitive spots, “I have no fecking idea.”

He rolled his eyes and wrapped an arm around her waist. “Come on, wife, let's go to bed.”

Laris let him lead her to their room and shut the door, then proceeded to place her on the bed before unceremoniously stuffing their supplies back into the closet.

When he turned around, she was sitting on the end of the bed with her head in her hands, an almost perfect mirror image to how he had found her earlier. He sat down next to her and moved his palm across her back.

Eventually she sat up and leaned her head on his shoulder. He pulled her tighter against his side and kissed the top of her head. “Picard isn’t going to die tonight because we couldn’t protect one side of the property.”

She took a deep breath and blew it out slowly, “Logically, I know that. But here-”, she tapped her chest, “wants me to put in every security measure I can think of _right now_.”

He huffed a quiet laugh, and kissed her temple, choosing to stay silent, figuring she would come to his same conclusions soon enough.

A few minutes later she sat up and gave him a mischievous smile, then leaned up and kissed him fully on the mouth.

“Where were we?”


	3. Attempt #3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some of this is a little rewrite of Laris finding out about Picard leaving in the show. ;)

In the ensuing weeks, Zhaban had managed to convince Laris that the security measures they already had in place were enough. That her worry was overblown, and that she was overthinking things. 

It had been a long process, but he was proud of what he had accomplished with his wife. And he was proud of her for letting things go, and trusting that they had done as much as possible with what they had to work with.

...that was until they found out Picard was planning on leaving on a ship with a bunch of ragtag crew members who either hated him or didn’t care about his safety. 

“You’re joking!”

Picard took a step back from the fast-approaching Laris and shook his head. “I’m not. I need to help this girl. She’ll die if I don’t.”

Laris threw her hands up in exasperation. “So ask someone to help you! Someone on ACTIVE duty who has a ship. Who could that be? Hmmm?”

She didn’t give him a chance to respond before she took another step forward and pressed a finger into his sternum. “Oh that’s right, BEVERLY!”

She opened her mouth to further her point, but an arm wrapped around her waist and pulled her back into a hard chest. She immediately recognized the arm as Zhaban’s and didn’t resist, even relaxing slightly as his embrace reminded her that she was far too worked up to be rational at the moment.

She turned to face her husband, his arm still tightly wrapped around her as she looked up at him with pleading eyes. Begging him without actually saying the words to talk some sense into the Admiral.

Zhaban squeezed her side softly and looked at his boss with piercing blue eyes. “Sir, surely someone else could help without you having to go out in space with no plan and no backup.”

He immediately knew by the uncompromising look on Picard’s face that nothing either one of them said would convince him that he was going on a suicide mission.

Laris, seeing the look as well, pulled away from Zhaban and walked out of the room without another word. The set of her shoulders the only thing betraying her fury.

...until the slamming door. 

Zhaban winced and looked at his boss and long-time friend. “She’s scared for you.”

Picard nodded. “I know, but I have to do this myself. No one else will understand my need to find this girl quickly and quietly.”

Zhaban sighed quietly in resignation and patted his shoulder as he passed by to go check on his wife.

“I understand, Sir. Just...please come back.”

“I’ll try”, Zhaban heard as he passed the threshold of the door, closing it quietly behind him.

That would have to be good enough.

OOOO

Zhaban found his wife sitting at the security console in their room. She was almost pounding the digital keyboard as she composed a message to an unknown recipient.

“What are you doing?” He sat next to her and leaned into her, squinting at the message in front of them. Apparently she was writing to Raffi, asking her to let them check over the ship and put in some “safety measures” (AKA technological booby traps) before they left. And to not let Picard know they were doing it.

He didn’t know if she would agree, but he thought it was a good compromise that would appease his wife while also making sure the Admiral would be as safe and secure as possible under the circumstances.

They had known OF Raffi for a long time, but they had never met her in person; and from what he’d gleaned from the Admiral over the years, she had fallen into rough times since leaving Starfleet. He was interested in what her response would be.

Laris sat back and rubbed a hand over her eyes wearily. He studied her for a moment, then reached over and peeled a hand from her face and threaded their fingers together. 

“Are you ok?” 

She closed her eyes and shook her head. “Just tired is all. Tired of trying to keep Picard safe when he doesn’t even care about his own safety.”

He shrugged. “Can’t teach an old dog new tricks.”

She looked over and smiled at him, the look in her eyes one that still gave him butterflies all these years later. He let go of her hand and wrapped his arm around her shoulders, rubbing his fingers up and down her arm. She laid her head on his shoulder, content to sit in silence as they waited for Raffi to answer.

He only hoped her answer would be one that Laris wanted to hear.

OOOO

Two hours later, Laris was sound asleep in Zhaban’s arms. He could no longer feel the arm that was wrapped around her shoulders, but he didn’t care. He would stay here the rest of this life if he could get away with it.

He was dozing with his head on top of hers when a beep startled him fully awake. 

He stifled a yawn and shook her awake. “Hey”.

She sat up quickly, confused for a second about where they were, but the fog cleared within seconds and she moved forward to open the message.

He read it quickly, surprised by not only getting an answer from Raffi, but that she agreed to let them do “whatever they needed to do” as well. 

The message suggested that they would be in orbit in five hours, and that she would delay notifying Picard until they were done with their setup.

Laris looked at him with a grim smile and a shrug. “I guess it’s better than nothing.”

He nodded soberly. It was, but it still didn’t negate the fact that the Admiral was going on a suicide mission.

OOOO

Exactly five hours later, they received a notification on Laris’ wristwatch that the ship’s crew was ready for Laris and Zhaban to beam aboard. They were dressed in their usual clothes so as not to arouse suspicion, and they quickly excused themselves from Picard’s study, where they had been briefing him about the state of the vineyard, claiming that Laris was tired.

The Admiral had waived them off absentmindedly, and they were free to do what they needed and get back before he suspected anything.

Zhaban closed and locked their bedroom door behind them, then began to hurriedly gather their instruments into a backpack. 

Just as Laris bent over the console to send a message to the ship, there was a knock on the door.

She shot up and looked at her husband with dismay. He cleared his throat and called out, “Yes?”

“Can I talk to you guys for a second?”

They glanced at each other and immediately understood what they needed to do.

He threw the backpack back in the closet and ripped off his shirt, then watched as Laris took her own shirt off, leaving her with just a bra on, and jumped under the covers on the bed and nodded at him.

Zhaban walked over and opened the door widely so Picard could see his wife in bed, then looked at the Admiral expectantly.

He cleared his throat a little uncomfortably and grimaced. “Sorry, I can come back.”

Zhaban shook his head and patted Picard’s shoulder. “No, no, it’s fine. What did you want to talk to us about?”

He still looked uncomfortable as he avoided looking in Laris’ direction. “I wanted to let you know that I was just notified that my ship is in orbit. I’ll be going up for a tour, but I’ll be back by tomorrow. I just didn’t want you two to worry.”

Zhaban nodded, annoyed with whoever had jumped the gun, but tried not to show it. 

“Ok...then. So..see you later”, the Admiral said awkwardly.

“Be well, sir.”

He didn’t even glance in Laris' direction before leaving the room. Closing the door quietly behind him.

It was silent for a good minute before his wife ripped off the blanket and swore. “Son of a bitch! Why can’t anything go as planned?!”

A message came through their console. He walked over and read it out loud to his pacing wife. It was Raffi apologizing for some hologram sending Picard a message before she could stop him. To be honest, it sounded like a flimsy excuse. 

Laris paced for a minute longer, then walked over to where he stood and leaned her head against his chest. He instantly wrapped his arms around her and brought her body close. 

Laris sighed quietly and wrapped her own arms around him, her nails lightly scratching his skin. 

He kissed the top of her head, almost dismayed at the loss of progress. She was going to worry herself sick all night.

“He’ll be ok, Laris.”

She kissed his chest and looked up at him, rolling her eyes. “I know. Still doesn’t mean I won’t worry. Like usual.”

He unhooked her bra and rubbed the skin where it had just been. “I know something that will take your mind off of it...for a little while at least.”

Zhaban could feel her smile as she moved her own hand to the front of his pants and squeezed gently.

“Oh, and what might that be?”

He grinned and slipped her bra straps down her shoulders, then dropped it on the floor and moved his hands over her breasts.

“Let me show you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m so sorry its taken me so long to update! Life has just been absolutely crazy as an “essential worker”...and although I don’t feel too essential, I still have to work long hours. Thanks so much for sticking with this, and thanks for reading.


End file.
